The Divorce Whisperer 18: Luck or Hard Work?
Is a good marriage due to luck or hard work or both?
It happened again. I let myself get dragged into an argument on Facebook with someone who was insulted by the comment that he was “lucky” to have a long marriage. He (literally) cursed and said it wasn’t luck - it was hard work.
I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again (but will probably never learn): I know I shouldn’t let myself get dragged into these kinds of discussions, but I couldn’t help myself. The implication here is that people whose marriage doesn’t last have “failed” or haven’t word hard enough. And that just isn’t true. Yes, you have to work together - compromise, make sacrifices, put up with minor irritations, communicate well, share morals and values, etc. But without LUCK, you will probably won’t find the right person who’s willing to put in the same work as you. Or so I declared.
In response, another man told me: “If you are using luck to find your helpmeet it will be luck that you will use to keep them. It’s about being yoked. Not lucky.” Then he quoted the Bible to me (2 Corinthians 6:14-18 in case you want to look it up) and topped it off with “More than willing to talk offline. Hope what I provided was clear.” I responded with “No thanks. Not asking for sympathy or advice. And definitely not looking to get married again.” Mansplaining to the umpth degree while also proselytizing! It’s a two-fer!
Apparently (according to this guy), my divorce is my fault because I didn’t seek out someone who was a “believer.” (Insert eyeroll here.) Also “YOKED?” Check out this definition from Google:
Past tense: yoked; past participle: yoked
put a yoke on (a pair of animals); couple or attach with or to a yoke. "a plough drawn by a camel and donkey yoked together"
INFORMAL US
attack, especially by strangling. "two crackheads yoked this girl"
Yeah, I’m gonna take a hard pass on that one.
Another guy (of course it was a guy) said that he refused to perform marriages for any couples who didn’t go through HIS pre-marriage counseling sessions. He cited a case where one woman was told over and over by him (and apparently everyone else) that she shouldn’t marry her fiance. She did. They were divorced six months later. He gleefully related this story to me to prove that he knows best. So no luck was involved. It’s all about listening to “those who know.” She made a huge mistake not listening to his advice. ARRRRGGGHHH!
I sent this to someone about a mistake they made (not a divorce), and I think it’s good advice. Maybe a bit simplistic when referring to a huge life event like a divorce, but still:
It’s so important to remember that no marriage is perfect; not all marriages are tenable and if you end up divorced, it shouldn’t be viewed as a “mistake.” When we are in love, we may not listen to the warnings others give us. We make choices. Sometimes they’re good choices; sometimes not so good. But we all make choices based on what we believe is the right one at that time, given the information we have. Things change; things don’t turn out how we expected/hoped. But all you can do is move on.
Divorce does not equal failure. Divorce does not equal a basis for self-flagellation. Divorce is not the end of your life. It’s just the end of a phase in your life. Don’t listen to the naysayers. Learn. Move on. Don’t look back incessantly. Life is still out there waiting to be lived. And we may get lucky when we least expect it!
Musical interlude:
Married men feel so threatened by single and happy women. It’s as if *gasp* women don’t need men after all! (The use of “yoked” too—so gross.)
Guess I was lucky to never get married! I love love love being single. And I agree with you. Biblical pronouncements of this type always seem to be about the letter, but never the Spirit.