The Divorce Whisperer 21: Should Anyone be Forced to Stay Married?
The GOP would love to take away "no-fault" divorces.
Recently I saw this article and it absolutely INFURIATED me:
The Divorce Wars (Vox) (Click to read article; it’s shocking)
Members of the GOP are trying to take away “no-fault” divorce. Apparently they would like to force people to stay in unhappy marriages in order to “save” the families. Really? People should be miserable and let their kids grow up thinking that’s a normal relationship?
I also suspect there’s a huge financial push behind this. Even today, most men out earn their spouses and feel that they have more to “lose” in a divorce. (I talked about that last week; see my Substack here: The Divorce Whisperer 19: The Myth of the "Golden Parachute").
My friend published the Vox article on his Facebook page and oh boy, the men went to town. Here are some actual quotes:
“Making divorce easier, guaranteeing access to abortions, birth control pills and the glorification of sex has created multiple generations of broken families. The statistics for the effects of single mothers raising sons without fathers are alarming to say the least.”
Hmmm. No mention of the men/fathers who should be helping to raise those sons, just blaming the women. No mention of the rate of suicide among women and domestic abuse against women dropping dramatically with the introduction of no-fault divorces. No mention of how divorces have leveled off.
And another dude mansplained:
“No-fault divorce is precisely why so many young men are bowing out on dating, let alone marriage. The damage to society is terrible. Young women are noticing, too.”
Really? This is why young men aren’t dating? Because they’re afraid a woman might divorce them - no-fault - later? Not because women are fed up and are choosing the bear? Not because maybe men need to change with the times? And this is BS since people are still dating and getting married. Here’s an interesting article from CNN, which shows at decline in marriages and divorces since 2000, but that things are on the uptick on the marriage side while the divorce rate is actually dropping: CNN Article
Another dude chimed in on the same Facebook posting:
“With the advent of no-fault, it does not need much thought to acknowledge that divorce rates soared to their present levels. That leaves men with dangerous financial prospects in the event of a marriage being dissolved - and men are no longer seeing the benefit in getting married only to be told to hit the road and leave half, especially when they have done nothing wrong.” {Emphasis added.)
Wrong again. In fact, divorce rates did spike in the 70’s, but have fluctuated and are currently going down. See this report: Divorce Rates 1970-present.
It seems that it’s all about the money for the men in this discussion. Women “stealing” their hard-earned money in a 50/50 split during a divorce, which is “just unfair!” I also love the comment “especially when they have done nothing wrong.” Maybe they haven’t done things right either. But these men feel like a woman shouldn’t be able to get a divorce unless they can prove the man has done something “wrong” - adultery, abuse…
No fault divorce means no one has to take the “blame” for the marriage’s failure (why does there always have to be someone to blame?), which seems to bother these men. They think someone has to be responsible (and obviously it’s the woman’s!) And they are really upset that women get what they believe are the big bucks that men have earned. It’s just not FAIR! Women should have to remain in a marriage and work it out! (I wonder how they feel about a case where the woman is the main breadwinner and ends up paying out HER hard-earned money; but that scenario would make their brains explode.)
Personally, I think men are scared of no-fault divorce because so many divorces (70% in the US) are initiated by the women. And yes, men have a lot more to lose. It’s a fact that - in general - men out earn women. It’s a fact that married men live longer than unmarried men. (I’d venture to say it’s because they have someone taking care of them - sometimes at the expense of that other person’s own happiness or health.) And yes, in most states the marital assets are split 50/50.
For the men who look on marriage as a “contract,” I’d assume they think both people are “partners” and when a “partnership” dissolves, usually the assets are split. Many of these commenters are the same who defended “traditional” marriage where a woman’s true calling is to be a homemaker and a mother. If these men want women to stay out of the workplace and be homemakers and mothers, they must value that labor. Even if the wife didn’t earn a salary, she sure as heck has contributed at least 50% to the marriage - usually more.
Making it harder to get a divorce will affect more women than men. Once again, the GOP is showing its hand - a desire to control women, their bodies, their marriages, their finances. We are moving backwards instead of forward.
This is a great Substack that literally illustrates the issue. (If you don’t follow The Audacity, you should; she’s great!)
(Shared with permission from the author).
If no fault divorces are rolled back after more than 50 years (Ronald Regan approved them when he was Governor of California in 1969!), women (and obviously some men) will be trapped in toxic relationships, unable to move on, unable to be happy. It just doesn’t make sense - except for extremely conservative men who only care about themselves. And their wallets. And that’s the GOP in a nutshell.
Musical interlude:
Someone go check on those FB dudes’ wives. I can guarantee they’re not ok!
Get rid of no-fault divorce and watch marriage rates plummet. Young women in particular aren't going to want to be trapped for the rest of their lives.