The Divorce Whisperer 4: The Four Golden Goals (Part 1 of 2)

Or How to Feel Good Every Single Day

As I was soothing my wounded ego and trying to get my life back together, I learned some tricks that helped me - and still help me - feel good every day (or at least less crappy). I try to achieve all four goals, and if I don’t? Well, tomorrow is another day. I give these four goals to you to use as you see fit.

Goal #1: Do something nice for yourself.

OK; this started out as a real challenge. At least for me. I spent so many decades worrying about making other people happy (the wasband; my kids; the boss; my colleagues; my family…), that I always put myself last. I was raised by a narcissistic mother and married a narcissist, so I had been brainwashed into thinking I had to do things for people in order for them to love me. This, of course, is utter bullshit. I turned into a co-dependent people-pleaser and put myself at the bottom of the list.

When wasband gave me cause to finally walk out, I decided that enough was enough. All my sacrifices were for naught. It was MY turn! I wanted to be as kind to myself as possible. I wanted to spoil myself. I wanted to do/see/buy the things I hadn’t done./seen/bought because I was too busy looking after everyone else. Initially, I would buy myself a little gift (or sometimes a big gift) - new earrings; a bracelet with an inspirational message engraved on the inside, whatever. I spent a lot of money at Chico’s (or, as I like to call them, “Forever 51”), buying all the clothes in all the styles and colors I never thought I could or should.

But retail therapy can only take you so far, so now I try to find other ways to spoil myself: I stop reading the book that I don’t really, really enjoy instead of finishing it out of a sense of guilt (life is too short!); I savor a glass of wine or a piece of really expensive/good chocolate; I watch something on TV that is a guilty pleasure - and I don’t feel guilty! I also spend a lot of time planning travel and then taking the trips. I take line dancing classes and don’t give a fig how silly I look. My treats for myself can be big or small. My goal is to be as nice to myself as I am to the people I love. It’s that simple. Find your joy and embrace it freely.

Goal #2: Do something nice for your body.

Oof. This can sometimes be hard. I’ve never been one for working out and I do love to eat - especially the things that aren’t good for me! But I’m not getting any younger and we only get one body for life. So, I am taking care of my body. I walk. I do intermittent fasting. I have an Apple watch and boy, do I love to make sure I close all three rings! I watch what I eat.

I also get regular facials, massages, haircuts/color. As mentioned above, I take line dancing classes, which are a sneaky way to get in some exercise/burn calories and fun too! These things are dual-purpose because not only am I doing something nice for my body, these also fall under Goal #1 - doing something nice for myself. (I do love a two-fer!)

What’s important here is putting myself first. I only worry about myself and my health these days. I mean, if one of my peeps is sick, of course I would do anything I could to help out - at the very least, be sympathetic. But, I am charge of my own body. No one else’s opinion about my body or how I treat it matters. No one can criticize what I do or don’t do with regards to my health. I have chosen to take care of my body - regular doctor’s visits; exercise; good diet; sleeping on a regular schedule; drinking lots of water. You know the drill. There’s definitely something to be said for making this choice - it’s incredibly freeing. I am in control, and I love it.

These two goals are a great beginning to ensuring that every day is a good day. Or at least not a totally shitty day. It makes getting through “one day at a time” a lot easier. Having goals to focus on means you’re thinking beyond the pain; you’re looking towards something positive. Not every day is perfect, but I firmly believe moving towards these goals helps a wee bit. And baby steps are what we need to begin.

Next week: Goals #3 and 4 - Come back then!