The Divorce Whisperer 11: Shame, Guilt and Regret

How to deal with complicated emotions

Recently I had drinks with a close friend going through a divorce. We talked about the negative emotions of shame, guilt and regret that seem to go hand in hand with divorce.

Gosh, why do we do this to ourselves? Going through a divorce is hard enough without beating ourselves up with feelings of regret, guilt and even shame. How do we stop this negative thinking and put the pain in the past? These thoughts don’t help us heal; they don’t comfort us. These feelings just keep us from moving on.

It’s perfectly natural to feel some guilty/regret/shame for both entering into a marriage gone wrong and maybe even leaving it - especially if children are involved and/or there are high expectations placed on you by your family/friends. Many people remain in an unhappy marriage because they don’t want to let other people down and/or they don’t want to hear people say “I told you so” (if in fact those people told them not to marry that person). Or they stay for the kids. Or they stay because their religion or culture looks down on divorce. Or they figure it’s too late to start again, so why bother? Better the devil you know and all that.

Over the years, it has become easier and easier to get a divorce. It’s not shocking anymore (or isn’t as shocking as it used to be). While some people may lament the “lack of trying,” I would say that when it’s over, it’s over and only the people in the marriage know how hard they tried. No one needs to be a martyr to an unhappy marriage. Everyone deserves a happy life.

But still, those nasty feelings are going to crop up. It’s almost as if we can’t help it. In fact, I would even go so far as to say if you don’t feel any shame, guilt or regret when a marriage falls apart, then maybe you weren’t completely invested in the marriage in the first place. The question is: Will those feelings hold you back?

Here’s what I told my friend: Shit happens. Sometimes shit happens because you make bad decisions. But that doesn’t mean the rest of your life doesn’t have meaning; it doesn’t mean we are bad people. Most of us make decisions based on the information we have on hand at the time. I doubt many people make a bad decision KNOWING it’s a bad decision. Well, maybe some of us do… Like having that second piece of chocolate cake… But in general, people want to do what is right for them and for their loved ones.

What is important is forgiving yourself for being human. I’d venture to say that most (if not all) relationships have SOME saving grace - things weren’t awful 100% of the time. There were good times: maybe you became a parent; maybe you had a chance to travel; or meet new people; and there were opportunities for growth. So don’t regret everything. Cull through it all and choose to focus on the positive aspects of what unfortunately became a bad relationship.

One of my favorite stories about my oldest son happened when he was about three years old. I don’t remember now what exactly he did, but he made some sort of a mistake. I said to him “Don’t worry; we learn from our mistakes. Did you learn something?” and he said he had. But then he looked up to me with total innocence and said “Is that why you’re so smart, mommy? Because you’ve made so many mistakes?” Out of the mouths of babes. I’m kind of a genius based on the number of mistakes I’ve made in my life.

So look at this as a learning experience. Look at what happened; what went wrong. Promise yourself not to fall into the trap again, whatever that trap may have been. Focus on the good things that happened. Value the lessons learned. Once you’ve examined the past, move on. Look towards the future. Regret, shame and guilt are only going to hold you back from living your best life. And isn’t that everyone’s goal?

I also told my friend to focus on how amazing they are as a person. A good friend, a professional success, a kind neighbor, a wonderful parent. Being married is only one facet of our personalities - and it’s not even the most important one. The title of “married” is tied to another person (one’s spouse). But that doesn’t make the person who they are - or it shouldn’t.

So, I don’t look at myself as Anne, a divorced woman. I look at myself as Anne, mother extraordinaire, loyal friend, voracious reader, indefatigable traveler; semi-competent line dancer. I am so many more things than an ex-wife. I am who I am, and that’s more than enough for me. Be who you are, married or not, and be the best person you can be, with no shame, regret or guilt. Love yourself, always and forgive yourself, always.