The Divorce Whisperer 13: We are never, ever, ever getting back together

Seriously, why would I?

The other day someone started to ask me if I would ever consider getting back together with my ex. Before they even finished the question, I said “no way.” Honestly, I am sooo much happier now!

I am still friends with a lot of my wasband’s relatives and they walk a fine line between being my friend and not getting grief from him as “traitors” because they don’t hate me. So, even though I don’t really care anymore, I still hear about what he’s doing.

Recently he told one family member with whom I am very close that he “will always love” me. Another one said he wanted to speak with me to “put things to rest.” In a message that somehow got through to me (I have him blocked), he said he’d always remember me “with admiration and respect.” I literally laugh-snorted. All these remarks seem to be leading up to him possibly wanting to get back together with me. Or at the very least, to see me again. I’ve got news for him: it ain’t gonna happen.

While I would never criticize someone for giving their relationship a second (or third) chance, I honestly think that - at least for me - it would be a terrible idea. What’s that old saying “insanity is doing the same thing again and expecting a different result”? Kinda like that. I’m sure that some people who have given their relationship a second try succeed, I’m also pretty sure that most of the time it’s another (perhaps more painful) disaster.

During our marriage, there were so many transgressions and painful experiences and so many times when I was on the point of walking out, yet I remained. Once, early in our marriage, I did walk out of the apartment and told him “You’d better be gone when I get back.” He was there when I got back. Somehow I always ended up forgiving him, making excuses for his behavior, and continued to try to make things work - for the sake of our children, to keep up appearances, fooling myself into believing things were smoothing over, etc. I rationalized over and over the craziness of staying with him. Until he really gave me no choice. He crossed a red line I had put down before we were even married.

Last week I wrote about not missing him at all - and that still holds true for me. But there are many people who do miss their partner once they’re gone, and there’s nothing wrong with that. How could you NOT miss certain aspects of your relationship? If you didn’t miss some things, it would mean that you never really cared.

Each person has to make their own decision about whether they want to try again. But just because you miss certain aspects of the relationship doesn’t mean that you miss all the aspects of the relationship. You can miss someone and know that you just cannot be with them.

No matter what external pressures may come to bear (family, society, friends), keep in mind that only YOU can decide whether you want to try again. And while you may miss the other person, or (more likely) miss having a relationship to depend on, you don’t have to go back into a relationship that didn’t work out the first time and likely won’t work out the next time. Unless the people in the relationship have changed dramatically, it will be deja vu all over.

So while I don’t miss HIM at all; I do miss parts of our lives together. But I have no desire to ever get back into a relationship with him. And that’s OK.

Musical interlude: