The Divorce Whisperer 18: WTAF, Men?

Y'all, I know why women choose the bear.

Recently there’s been a lot of noise in social media about women being asked: “If you were alone in the woods, would you rather run into a man or a bear.” Overwhelmingly, the women chose the bear. Why? Because men.

Let me start by saying I love men. I married two of them; I gave birth to two of them. I have several very close male friends. In fact, when I found out my wasband was cheating, the first person I called was a guy friend. But I gotta agree with Cher, who said (a long time ago): “A man is not a necessity. A man is a luxury. Like dessert, yeah. A man is absolutely not a necessity… I adore dessert. I love men. I think men are the coolest, but you don’t need them to live.”

That being said… I was shocked and disappointed to see the commencement speech by Harrison Butker (the kicker for the Kansas City Chiefs) in which he tells a graduating class of women that they have been told “diabolical lies” about women needing or wanting a career. He said “Some of you may go on to lead successful careers in the world, but I would venture to guess that the majority of you are most excited about your marriage and the children you will bring into this world.” Way to diss a large group of people about their decision to pursue a career.

He went on to say that his wife’s “life truly started when she began living her vocation as a wife and as a mother.” WTF? Is this 1954 or 2024? What is going on here? His wife decided to be a homemaker. Cool. She chose that. And it was probably a lot easier to choose staying home given that her husband makes millions of dollars a year to kick a ball. But it was HER CHOICE. Even more frightening than his actual words: sales of his jersey skyrocketed, meaning there are a LOT of people out there who support these archaic ideas.

I got involved in a discussion on a friend’s Facebook page about the speech. The friend is a retired military officer and has 3.8K followers. He uses his platform to start very interesting (and very often contentious) conversations. He put up a clip of the speech and said “Women, thoughts?” Immediately his posting was flooded with responses from - guess who? - men, most of which were mansplaining just WHY Butker is right.

I know I shouldn’t let myself get sucked into arguments on social media, but honestly, I couldn’t help it (and I’m retired, so I can do what I want with my time). When one dude wrote to me that it’s a woman’s “duty” (yes, I swear to you he said “duty”) to have children “for the survival of the community” (I see major racist tones here…), it blew my mind. He went on to say that a woman should also stay home and raise the children because that’s more important than “bigger houses, luxury cars and fancy vacations.” There is soooo much wrong here and so much to unpack. But men. I guess some of them think women aren’t capable of being good mothers and being successful in their careers at the same time.

Back in the day (like my mom’s generation), women didn’t have many opportunities to do anything more than get married and have kids. My mother was a very conservative Catholic (she was even in the convent for a couple of years until she decided it wasn’t her “calling” after having to deal with 50 kids in a classroom). She married; she had three children and she never stopped reminding us that we were a burden. So much for fulfilling one’s “duty” to give birth. But here my siblings and I are, maintaining the community!

Telling women today that marriage and motherhood and homemaking are the highest calling for a woman (ESPECIALLY if it’s a man saying it) is just… I don’t even know what word to use here. But what women fought for and continue to fight for is the freedom to choose. To choose their career - either outside of the home or by being a homemaker. To choose when and if to have children. To choose a marriage partner, or to live with someone, or to remain single. Taking away that choice is just pushing our society back to the Middle Ages.

I have female friends who have never married and have no kids. I have female friends who have never married and have kids. I have female friends who work outside of the home; I have female friends who have stayed home and raised their kids. I love and respect all of them equally. They made a choice and I am totally on board with their choice. Who am I to judge? And who TF is Harrison Butker (or any other man) to judge a woman’s choice?

I realize my thoughts here are not necessarily about divorce. Or maybe my thought process makes sense. Divorce is a choice, just as marriage is a choice. I suppose my bottom line here is: make your choice. Embrace your choices. Don’t look back or regret your choices. Live your life. Be honest to your true self. No matter what you choose to do, it’s all good. And if people criticize your decision, cut them out of your life. No one has time for that negativity.

Musical interlude (has it really been over 50 years?):