The Divorce Whisperer 5: The Four Golden Goals (Part 2 of 2)

Or How to Feel Good Every Single Day

Two weeks ago, I introduced the first two of the four “golden goals” that I set for myself on a daily basis. The first one is to do something nice for yourself. The second one is to do something nice for your body. Here are the final two goals. They help me stay on a positive, forward-focused path.

Goal #3: Do Something on Your To-Do List

I’m a big believer in making lists. I get a true sense of accomplishment by checking off the things I’ve done - it can be as simple as ordering groceries; or cleaning up that messy closet. It can be mailing an important letter, paying the bills, writing a Substack. Sometimes my to-do list includes doing something nice for myself or someone else. There’s no rule that says you can’t check off more than one goal with one action!

Whatever you can accomplish, no matter how large or small, is a goal you have achieved. I keep a notebook next to my computer with a list of “daily” goals - things I need to do on a certain day or by a certain date - and “long-term” goals - things I would like to do between now and whenever. Of course, there are medium-term goals as well. (Geez, I really AM Type A!) The important thing is that achieving even small goals gives us a sense of accomplishment and brings meaning into our lives, so I try to check at least one item off my “to-do” list each day. And when I don’t? Then I remind myself that sometimes you just need to get through the day and sometimes it’s good not to do much of anything!

Goal #4: Do Something Nice for Someone Else

This is my absolute favorite. Sometimes I do something nice for someone else anonymously. Sometimes face-to-face. Sometimes via Amazon. Sometimes I pay for the meal. Sometimes it’s just a text or a message to remind someone going through a rough time that they’re not alone. I like to do things for my family and my peeps and even strangers. I give compliments freely and honestly. I look people in the eye and smile. I strike up conversations in the elevator - “I like your earrings.” “Those shoes look so comfortable.” “Nice tie.” I try to be a good/kind person to everyone. You never know the impact that this can have on someone else, but you CAN know the impact it has on your own mood, and it’s going to be something positive.

I have a long-standing philosophical discussion with my brilliant nephew. Since being nice to other people makes them feel happy AND makes us feel happy, is being nice selfless or selfish? I guess I should just decide it’s a win-win situation, right? and not overthink it?

The bottom line is I do enjoy doing things for other people; it brings me pleasure. The important thing is to do something voluntarily and not because you feel obligated to do so. Only you can decide whether to focus on volunteering, or just deciding to commit random acts of kindness. Or both! The other day when I was out for my morning walk, I put someone’s trash bin back into their driveway when it was sticking out in the street waiting to be hit by a car. A small thing. But it gave me a flash of joy. I’m not going to win the Nobel Peace Prize for moving someone’s trash can, but every little bit of kindness makes the world a little bit better and makes me feel good.

Bonus thought:

I recently read about looking for a “glimmer” each day. A “glimmer” has been defined as the opposite of a trigger. It is a brief moment of unexpected pleasure. It could be a baby smiling up at me from their stroller as I’m on my morning walk. It could be spotting a bright-red cardinal sitting on top of the grey shed in my yard against the dark green vegetation. It may be the first leaf falling indicating fall is coming. Or that first snowfall. Recently a young deer jumped the fence into my backyard and was placidly roaming around one morning as I came into the kitchen. That was a big one! I don’t count finding a glimmer as a goal because you can’t make it happen. It just happens, and not every day. But look for them and the surge of pleasure will be sweet, like a flickering of light in the darkness.

Conclusion:

I try to hit these four goals every day. I’m not always successful. And I remind myself that if I DID hit all four goals, it’s been a good day. And if not? Tomorrow is another day. There are no negative consequences. No one is grading you. The important thing is to try and to see these goals as positive and life-affirming. Because otherwise, what’s the point?

Try it. You’ll like it. I promise.